For those of you who don’t subscribe to the superstitious sentiments of the “Christmas” holiday season let me propose to you a more practical and logical reason to make merry this “most wonderful” time of year.

The Cosmic Calendar is a scale popularized by Carl Sagan in which the evolution and lifetime of the entire universe is mapped onto a calendrical year, Meaning that the Big Bang took place on a cosmic January 1 at precisely midnight, and today’s time and date being December 31 at midnight. So according to this cosmic calendar the following dates would represent the most significant and crucial moments in the timeline of our existence and in my opinion should be observed  and celebrated

December, 1(Hanukkah Begins) – Oxygen atmosphere begins to develop

December, 17 – Invertebrates  begin to flourish

December, 18 – First oceanic plankton

December, 19 – Fish and Vertebrates appear

December, 20 – Vascular plants appear. Plants begin colonization of land

December, 21 – Insects appear, animals begin colonization of land

December, 22 – Amphibians and Winged insects appear

December, 23 – Trees and Reptiles appear

December, 24(Christmas Eve) – Dinosaurs appear and dominate for over 160 million years

December, 25(Christmas)- First mammals appear

December, 27 – First birds, first Flowers

December, 28 – K-T mass extinction, many forms of life perished, including dinosaurs

December, 29 – First primatesDecember, 30 – Early brain evolution of primates, first hominids


December, 31 Time 13.30.00 – Ancestors of apes and men

December, 31 Time 22.30.00 – First humans

December, 31 Time 23.00.00 – Use of stone tools

December, 31 Time 23.46.00 – Domestication of fire

December, 31 Time 23.56.00 – Most recent glacial period

December, 31 Time 23.59.00 – Rupestral painting in Europe

December, 31 Time 23.59.20 – Agriculture

December, 31 Time 23.59.35 – Neolithic civilization

December, 31 Time 23.59.50: End of prehistory and beginning of history, Dynasties in Sumer, Ebla and Egypt, Astronomy

December, 31 Time 23.59.51: Alphabet, Akkadian Empire Wheel is invented

December, 31 Time 23.59.52: Hammurabic legal codes in Babylon, Middle Kingdom in Egypt

December, 31 Time 23.59.53: Bronze metallurgy, Mycenaean culture, Trojan War, Olmec culture

December, 31 Time 23.59.54: Iron metallurgy, Assyrian Empire, Kingdom of Israel, Founding of Carthage, Nigras

December, 31 Time 23.59.55: Birth of Buddha and Confucius, Ch’in Dynasty China, Periclean Athens, Asokan Indian empire, Indian Veda holy scriptures are completed

December, 31 Time 23.59.56: Euclidean geometry, Archimedean physics, Ptolemaic astronomy, Greek Olympic games, Roman Empire, Birth of Christ

December, 31 Time 23.59.57: Birth of Muhammad, Zero and decimals invented in Indian arithmetic, Rome falls, Moslem conquests

December, 31 Time 23.59.58: Mayan civilization, Sung Dynasty China, Byzantine empire, Mongol invasion, Crusades.

December, 31 Time 23.59.59: Voyages of discovery from Europe and from Ming Dynasty China, Columbus lands in America, Renaissance in Europe

This current second

December, 31 Time 24.00.00: Beginning of modern culture, science and technology development, French revolution, World War I, World War II, Apollo lands on the moon, Spacecraft planetary exploration, Search for extraterrestrial intelligence and YOU in this very second.

So I say rejoice this holiday season, Rejoice in remembrance to the single cell organisms we once were and to our epic journey out from  primordial soup of archaic Earth to reach the ever expanding depths of outer space and beyond.

Most of all, rejoice in each second at hand this holiday season because Dinosaurs on Christmas are much more believable than Jesus.


A Christian said to me the other day “Did you ever stop to think that God put dinosaur bones on earth to test our faith?” That’s about the time I said “Did you ever think that maybe God made up the Bible to see how many stupid dumb shits would believe that Dungeon and Dragons bullshit and blindly follow it no questions asked?”

Don’t get me wrong this movie IS really cool. Dinosaurs are and always will be awesome, but the big problem I have with this movie are the fucking Velociraptors. Are you fucking kidding me? Sure, the name Velociraptor itself just threatens death, injury and it sounds like something that would rip your face right off, but in actuality the Velociraptor was only about a foot and a half tall and covered in feathers. (No it could not fly, but that would be kick ass if it could.) It was more like a turkey on steroids.
The dinosaur depicted in Jurassic Park more closely resembles a Deinonychus— its name derived from the Greek word meaning “terrible claw” due to the unusually large, sickle-shaped talon on the second toe of each hind foot. Even though the Deinonychus is 10 times more badass than the actual Velociraptor the name just doesn’t sound that ominous.  
Look at it this way, it would be like making a movie about peanuts and casting Tom fucking Hanks to play the part of George Washington Carver just because George Washington Carver sounds like a white dude name. I say fuck that! Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton have invented some whole new type of racism and it’s a type of racism I for one can’t get behind.