Well .. So, .. now that the Confederate flag has gone the way of the swastika it won’t be long until the Washington Redskins name and mascot are a tossed off the reservation for it being racist towards Native Americans. Yeah sure , I can see where folks may find it offensive. I get it.
So then lets say they change their name… What are they gonna change it to?  … Wait! does this now mean those hipster shit bird’s are no longer allowed to dress in Native American-esque clothing? No more wearing head dresses, feathers in their clothes and hair, no moccasins, stupid face paint , beaded head bands, no more getting drunk off of the fire water and shooting flaming arrows wildly into the air  and all that other shit that goes along with being “Native American”? Cool! I can get behind that.

Well while you’re at it I would like to put in a request to get rid of the name “Black Friday” Its stupid, very confusing and yes racist.  Also Eskimo Pies…. They taste like shit! Change the name to Shit Pies. Racist.  And Uncle Ben’s Rice?! Come on! Uncle Ben looks to similar to that creepy black asshole butler from Django Unchanged, I really think you should change the logo to something more friendly and less offensive.

Now I know what you are saying… “Well what about the Cleveland Indians?!  They are racist as hell, probably most racist!” Well, I disagree. If you remember the reason that Native Americans are called “Indians” in the first place is because when Christopher Columbus landed in America ( and he never even reached North America, he only ever really explored a hand full of islands in the Caribbean) he originally thought that he had actually reached India and stupidly started referring to the natives as “Indians”  then …. He killed them and took their land.

So what I propose is that the name “Indians” stay as a reminder of  this great country’s  beginnings, It’s blinding determination to get what it wants no matter who or what stands in its way,  the never ending string of crafty skulduggery that built this vast empire, A reminder of how it was accidentally stumbled upon, its indigenous people mistakenly yet cleverly named, exterminated but then generously given casino’s in conciliation. …. I believe the Cleveland Indians are truly America’s team.

I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying…

For those of you who don’t subscribe to the superstitious sentiments of the “Christmas” holiday season let me propose to you a more practical and logical reason to make merry this “most wonderful” time of year.

The Cosmic Calendar is a scale popularized by Carl Sagan in which the evolution and lifetime of the entire universe is mapped onto a calendrical year, Meaning that the Big Bang took place on a cosmic January 1 at precisely midnight, and today’s time and date being December 31 at midnight. So according to this cosmic calendar the following dates would represent the most significant and crucial moments in the timeline of our existence and in my opinion should be observed  and celebrated

December, 1(Hanukkah Begins) – Oxygen atmosphere begins to develop

December, 17 – Invertebrates  begin to flourish

December, 18 – First oceanic plankton

December, 19 – Fish and Vertebrates appear

December, 20 – Vascular plants appear. Plants begin colonization of land

December, 21 – Insects appear, animals begin colonization of land

December, 22 – Amphibians and Winged insects appear

December, 23 – Trees and Reptiles appear

December, 24(Christmas Eve) – Dinosaurs appear and dominate for over 160 million years

December, 25(Christmas)- First mammals appear

December, 27 – First birds, first Flowers

December, 28 – K-T mass extinction, many forms of life perished, including dinosaurs

December, 29 – First primatesDecember, 30 – Early brain evolution of primates, first hominids


December, 31 Time 13.30.00 – Ancestors of apes and men

December, 31 Time 22.30.00 – First humans

December, 31 Time 23.00.00 – Use of stone tools

December, 31 Time 23.46.00 – Domestication of fire

December, 31 Time 23.56.00 – Most recent glacial period

December, 31 Time 23.59.00 – Rupestral painting in Europe

December, 31 Time 23.59.20 – Agriculture

December, 31 Time 23.59.35 – Neolithic civilization

December, 31 Time 23.59.50: End of prehistory and beginning of history, Dynasties in Sumer, Ebla and Egypt, Astronomy

December, 31 Time 23.59.51: Alphabet, Akkadian Empire Wheel is invented

December, 31 Time 23.59.52: Hammurabic legal codes in Babylon, Middle Kingdom in Egypt

December, 31 Time 23.59.53: Bronze metallurgy, Mycenaean culture, Trojan War, Olmec culture

December, 31 Time 23.59.54: Iron metallurgy, Assyrian Empire, Kingdom of Israel, Founding of Carthage, Nigras

December, 31 Time 23.59.55: Birth of Buddha and Confucius, Ch’in Dynasty China, Periclean Athens, Asokan Indian empire, Indian Veda holy scriptures are completed

December, 31 Time 23.59.56: Euclidean geometry, Archimedean physics, Ptolemaic astronomy, Greek Olympic games, Roman Empire, Birth of Christ

December, 31 Time 23.59.57: Birth of Muhammad, Zero and decimals invented in Indian arithmetic, Rome falls, Moslem conquests

December, 31 Time 23.59.58: Mayan civilization, Sung Dynasty China, Byzantine empire, Mongol invasion, Crusades.

December, 31 Time 23.59.59: Voyages of discovery from Europe and from Ming Dynasty China, Columbus lands in America, Renaissance in Europe

This current second

December, 31 Time 24.00.00: Beginning of modern culture, science and technology development, French revolution, World War I, World War II, Apollo lands on the moon, Spacecraft planetary exploration, Search for extraterrestrial intelligence and YOU in this very second.

So I say rejoice this holiday season, Rejoice in remembrance to the single cell organisms we once were and to our epic journey out from  primordial soup of archaic Earth to reach the ever expanding depths of outer space and beyond.

Most of all, rejoice in each second at hand this holiday season because Dinosaurs on Christmas are much more believable than Jesus.