A while back I received a phone call from my old roommate Matt, He said Sasquatch is real and that he had seen him on some piece of shit, back woods Ohio country road. So… Like any good friend or police sketch artist I drew this picture from his freakish description. He barely made it out alive.
For those of you who don’t subscribe to the superstitious sentiments of the “Christmas” holiday season let me propose to you a more practical and logical reason to make merry this “most wonderful” time of year.
The Cosmic Calendar is a scale popularized by Carl Sagan in which the evolution and lifetime of the entire universe is mapped onto a calendrical year, Meaning that the Big Bang took place on a cosmic January 1 at precisely midnight, and today’s time and date being December 31 at midnight. So according to this cosmic calendar the following dates would represent the most significant and crucial moments in the timeline of our existence and in my opinion should be observed and celebrated
December, 1(Hanukkah Begins) – Oxygen atmosphere begins to develop
December, 17 – Invertebrates begin to flourish
December, 18 – First oceanic plankton
December, 19 – Fish and Vertebrates appear
December, 20 – Vascular plants appear. Plants begin colonization of land
December, 21 – Insects appear, animals begin colonization of land
December, 22 – Amphibians and Winged insects appear
December, 23 – Trees and Reptiles appear
December, 24(Christmas Eve) – Dinosaurs appear and dominate for over 160 million years
December, 25(Christmas)- First mammals appear
December, 27 – First birds, first Flowers
December, 28 – K-T mass extinction, many forms of life perished, including dinosaurs
December, 29 – First primatesDecember, 30 – Early brain evolution of primates, first hominids
NEW YEARS EVE
December, 31 Time 13.30.00 – Ancestors of apes and men
December, 31 Time 22.30.00 – First humans
December, 31 Time 23.00.00 – Use of stone tools
December, 31 Time 23.46.00 – Domestication of fire
December, 31 Time 23.56.00 – Most recent glacial period
December, 31 Time 23.59.00 – Rupestral painting in Europe
December, 31 Time 23.59.20 – Agriculture
December, 31 Time 23.59.35 – Neolithic civilization
December, 31 Time 23.59.50: End of prehistory and beginning of history, Dynasties in Sumer, Ebla and Egypt, Astronomy
December, 31 Time 23.59.51: Alphabet, Akkadian Empire Wheel is invented
December, 31 Time 23.59.52: Hammurabic legal codes in Babylon, Middle Kingdom in Egypt
December, 31 Time 23.59.53: Bronze metallurgy, Mycenaean culture, Trojan War, Olmec culture
December, 31 Time 23.59.54: Iron metallurgy, Assyrian Empire, Kingdom of Israel, Founding of Carthage, Nigras
December, 31 Time 23.59.55: Birth of Buddha and Confucius, Ch’in Dynasty China, Periclean Athens, Asokan Indian empire, Indian Veda holy scriptures are completed
December, 31 Time 23.59.56: Euclidean geometry, Archimedean physics, Ptolemaic astronomy, Greek Olympic games, Roman Empire, Birth of Christ
December, 31 Time 23.59.57: Birth of Muhammad, Zero and decimals invented in Indian arithmetic, Rome falls, Moslem conquests
December, 31 Time 23.59.58: Mayan civilization, Sung Dynasty China, Byzantine empire, Mongol invasion, Crusades.
December, 31 Time 23.59.59: Voyages of discovery from Europe and from Ming Dynasty China, Columbus lands in America, Renaissance in Europe
This current second
December, 31 Time 24.00.00: Beginning of modern culture, science and technology development, French revolution, World War I, World War II, Apollo lands on the moon, Spacecraft planetary exploration, Search for extraterrestrial intelligence and YOU in this very second.
So I say rejoice this holiday season, Rejoice in remembrance to the single cell organisms we once were and to our epic journey out from primordial soup of archaic Earth to reach the ever expanding depths of outer space and beyond.
Most of all, rejoice in each second at hand this holiday season because Dinosaurs on Christmas are much more believable than Jesus.